Witnessing the Struggle

By Nina Morel, Ed.D, PCC

For a long time, when I encountered conflict with someone, I thought my choices were to defend my position, apologize, or give in. But when training to become a coach, my mentor Kathy Kee shared what she had learned from a psychologist: “People rationally know you can’t give them all they want; they know you can’t always do what they want; but they demand that you “witness their struggle.”

What does that mean?

When someone is upset, witnessing the struggle means naming what they are dealing with. They may be mad at you, or someone else. They may feel frustrated, disappointed, left out, bitter, or taken advantage of, and they are telling you this. You are tempted to fix it, to solve their problem for them, or to defend your position. But you don’t have to. All you have to do is listen and acknowledge that what they are dealing with is hard.

And that is what “witnessing the struggle” really means-- Listening to the emotion the other person is experiencing and making it clear that you are witnessing it with kindness and compassion. Here are some examples:

“You are frustrated.”

“This is difficult for you.”

“You want someone to know how badly you were treated.”

“This has been hard.”

Notice that these phrases are short, and they don’t judge.

Try it, and you will be amazed at how gratified the speaker feels when they know they are heard.

You may think you can only use this skill when the other person has a strong negative emotion. It works equally well when someone shares a triumph or joy. Your friend says, “Hey! I passed my exam!” or “I got a promotion!” or “I just painted my whole garage.” Instead of using judging words like “Great” or “Excellent” think about witnessing the effort or sense of accomplishment. “You have been working hard for this,” or “You must have worked all weekend!” or “You are proud of yourself.”

Life is hard. It is full of struggles and triumphs. We just want people to acknowledge what we are experiencing. This is a core skill of a good listener.

Quoted Reference:

Kee, Kathy. Results Coaching Global, https://resultscoachingglobal.com/witness-the-struggle/